Since this part is very big. I decided to make two posts about this subject. This is the first part.
Bullying shows itself in many forms. Pushing kids in the hall way at school. Spreading fake rumours. Speak bad about them without knowing them. Even at work, where it should be professional, it happens! The biggest form right now is (in my opinion) the internet. Have you ever read the comments on hypebeast? People go all out with their bullying and I wonder how and why.. or for example when you see a video show up where a group would beat up a kid badly and no one does a single shit! It pisses me off so much. I’m at this point in my life that I don’t let bullying affect me anymore or at least trying to deal with it different than I used to. I’m already a very feisty person myself and if only one thing happened or was said, I would snap! That’s why people will think I’m a bitch. But I’m not a bitch. I’ve been through so much shit (continue reading to understand), I stand up for myself! I already had a wall built around me because of “Part 1” but through the years this wall became unbreakable. And only one person near this wall, trying to break me, would definitely get it.
I used to live in Dronten. I had several friends and never been bullied. My parents divorced when I was 7, my mum remarried and we moved to Duiven. That’s where it all started. I would come home crying and my parents didn’t understand a single thing cause I wasn’t really clear about what exactly happened. I never really felt I could talk at home about these things. I didn’t talk about my problems (which I’m still not doing often but I’m trying). I got bullied for the colour of my skin. I know, you will think: “oh but everyone with a coloured skin would have had that” but believe me when you’re the only tan kid in class and everyone is white, man, it will get to you.. They would put a dead mouse in the drawer under my table (I don’t even know why). I would find notes with a peanut drawn on it and it would say: “Lynn da Pin-da” cause they thought it rhymed.. Pinda means peanut. I remember going to a teacher to talk, I was sick of it and she spoke with the kids in question. After that, the bullying got worse.. “Oh you’re so pathetic going to the teacher and snitch on us”. Dude what the, what else do I need to do then… Here is when I started thinking I couldn’t speak about things.. I didn’t want to cry again, I wanted it to stop.. One day, I think I was 10 or 11, I was at the shopping mall and this kid biked past me yelling: “peanut, you’re a brown ass peanut”. Day in, day out I got bullied and I was sick of it so I ran up to him and kicked him off his bike (my aggressive part started to show up). Flat with his face on the floor. I loved it to see him cry (my evil bitch side came around the corner) and yep, eventually I was the one in trouble. It was not okay to kick a BOY of his bike? But hurting someone’s feelings, A GIRLS FEELINGS or mentally is okay? I didn’t have a lot of friends. A few years ago, I was 22 (that was the time I tried to get contact with my dad again not knowing a few months later he would be in a coma), I found my old diary and I read a part that said: “I think Rebecca and Marinte don’t like me, they picked me up from my house. We were biking around town and suddenly they laughed sneaky and biked away really quick. I was left alone.. all by myself”. I was 11 when I already spoke about feeling alone.. I wrote about being bullied.. I was 11 when I wrote in my diary: “I think my dad is lonely”.. 11..
When I turned 12, I went to high school. My anger and fear from everything I hid inside me turned into aggression. I was aggressive to my mom. I was aggressive to everyone who did something I didn’t like.. I can’t remember how many times school called my parents that I was expelled for a few days. When I went to a new location of my school, things changed. I eventually got new friends and that was cool at first but that also made its turn. I had two groups of friends. The “cool” group, people I didn’t follow any class with. I would only see them during lunch in the school cafeteria. And my “class friends”, I never had issues with them and I think they were also the most loyal. When I think about that now, I should have cherished my time with them more. Those times with my “class friends” were dope! I think from 12 till 16 was the best time of my life and I really miss it..
These following stories are not to speak bad about the people who did this to me. This is to tell my story and that it affected me through the years. I will not mention their names. I think we are old enough to know that bullying isn’t the way that it should be. And old enough to understand I’m just trying to explain something. (Man, I can’t believe I’m actually “scared” to tell this).
It all started around when I was 16. Internet was already becoming bigger and MSN was a thing. Remember those group chats or you could change your name status? I’ve been called names in those statuses a lot, one time because of a thing I did myself and a few more because people just hated me after the thing I did (yep, once people know, you’re always an easy target).. I had a friend and we were really close. I did everything for her. On Friday we would go to an other town to hang with friends. She lived in another town the other way, while I lived in between those towns but I always went her way first to pick her up with my scooter or my bike. Basically I was so obsessed with trying to be the best friend for her. So I wouldn’t say a thing if she said something mean. We got into a “fight”. I will spare you the reason cause we were young and this issue isn’t a thing in her life anymore right now but she was mad and no matter what I said or how many time I apologised, she didn’t give a shit. And people (who were loooooving to see that we were not on good therms) decided to interfere. I’m not going to say who these people are. But in that MSN time, they would make group chats, add me to it and would says the worst things. I lost my virginity when I was 18 (yep too much information, I know). But this all started when I was 16. And people would call me a slut, when I’d never seen a dick before (yep again too much info, I know). This is also another story to tell which comes in “Part 3”. Anyway, I knew, I wouldn’t be friends with her again so I decided to leave everything alone. I didn’t want to interfere in her life anyway and I also didn’t trust anyone. Believe me, I have so many reasons not to trust people. And the funny part is, some of them try to be nice to me now cause of who I am and what I’ve accomplished. But no, thank youuu my so not friend! Anyway one day, and now we are two years further in this thing of people hating on me, I was at a “friends” house (who I thought was my friend) and we were just on the computer upstairs. The doorbell rang and he went down to open up. Suddenly she was there and dragged me out of his house by my hair. Yelling shit like: “Why are you ruining my life, talking shit about me fucking bitch”. When she said that, I had no idea what she was talking about. I wanted to have a normal life, minding my own bussiness. And if things weren’t right, I wanted to talk about it. Before I could even say anything she already beated the shit out of me. My so called “friend” didn’t do anything and just watched. I was on the ground and she kicked me till her friend stopped her. I remember I stayed on the floor till she walked away, trying to get my shit together. I remember I got up, walking back inside the house and she was there in the kitchen saying: “don’t even try to come near me, I will beat you up again”. I know I said that I didn’t know what she was talking about. She made a reflex that she would hit me again. I think I was a bit scared but really, I couldn’t be fucked anymore. Like FUCK YOU for not believing me man. Grabbed my stuff and left.. Later I heard the reason and you know, the BOY who told that bullshit, wasnt even a friend or someone I was friendly with..
This is where I end my first part. Being bullied is the biggest reason why I don’t trust people. Don’t like to go out in public. In public I always watch my back. I always think triple before I leave the house to an event, way too scared to bump into people I don’t like. It sucks.. I really just want my own life. With my close friends. Be happy. No drama. I also do not like it when people come up to me and say: “OMG, did you what he/she did?” – no and please don’t even tell me.. hey btw, don’t you think it’s funny to read that boys were a major part in this bullying..