To understand this, you have to read “Personal Stories After – The beginning of Part 2”.
It didn’t stop after that. She and her friends would say things like they would beat me up if they would see me so I was way too scared sometimes to go to public events. I didn’t go to Queensday in the city. One day, I was at Central station. It was an ugly one with bridges going over the platforms and definitely not easy to get away. It was morning, I think it was 5am, I just finished work (I used to work in a bar) and I knew I said to myself: “you’re going to see them today”. I was sitting on the platform, waiting for my train. Suddenly an other train, on a different platform in front of me, came in and guess who got out? She and a few friends. I hid behind an electricity box, my heart was pounding fast. Not a chance I wanted to deal with this shit right now. So I counted to 10 and gave it a quick run. They didn’t see me, luckily. I made a run to the other side of the station. Walked through a park to a bus stop I knew a bus would go to my house. It was dark outside. I would never walk through a park in a “normal” situation at that time of day. What else could have happened. Till now, till this day, I still do not like to go out in public. Not because I’m scared, no. But because I’ve been through so much shit of any kind of form of bullying, I still see it happening nowadays. I still think people talk shit about me at events when I see them looking at me. To be fair, I even blocked these people on my Instagram, well only the accounts that I know of..
Through the years I kept wondering: “what is it that I did so badly that they wanted to slap/hit/kick me. What is it that they always involve me in shit”. All I knew is, I would just think: “you know what, if they want to do something to me, come to my house”. I also thought it was funny that some would say: “just wait till I see you” but once they saw me, they didn’t do anything.
For a pretty long time after that. I think till I was 20/21. People never left me alone. Spread rumours about me or would talk about things/mistakes that happened years ago. It’s always funny how people “know” things better than you do and also “know” things without actually have seen it. I think this is the biggest thing here in Holland/Amsterdam. Everyone knows everything but hasn’t witnessed it. Since that time I’ve been in loyal and faithful and long relationships. My friends nowadays are still the same people. But no matter what, people would always judge me. I just wanted my own life so I started to push out as many people I knew I couldn’t trust. At home I didn’t talk about it. I just came home and hid in my room. Because of everything happening outside the house affected me so much, I started to push my own family away from me.
I eventually went to a school in Utrecht till I was 24. It did stop for a bit but it came back, for some reason I was accused of something I didn’t even know about. I even had proof I didn’t know but again, I had a reputation right, people made up their own stories. So yes again, no one believed me and I was the bitch/slut. The best thing is this one. Boys would tell their girlfriend a whole other story. For example I would talk to some guy in a friendly way and he would change the whole conversation so I would look like the “bad” one. I feel bad for the girls that has to live with a guy who told her a lie for his own good. Anyway, it did upset me. I couldn’t do anything really. If I would say hello to someone, I would be cheating already. So what’s the point of being friendly..
When I thought the bullying finally stopped. It came back but now in a new form. Internet bullying. And here are the moments of me being a “bitch”. In the time when I started to post my illustrations online and I became “so called instafamous” (I really hate this word), hate came from this little corner called: “Holland”. Of course a big majority loved what I did (definitely from overseas, I love you guys!), but that small little group of haters, they got to me. Right at the point when I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. Right when I wanted to change. Right at that moment when I didn’t want to be a bitch, I was dragged into it again. That were moments when I was so sick of it, I would stand up for myself. I would bite back. I didn’t want to be here anymore and I kept telling myself: “Seriously man, when are people going to leave me alone!”. I eventually decided to moved to Sydney cause yes, everything kept following me, when I didn’t want it to. I moved to Sydney for a reason! I wanted change! A fresh start. I was miles away from that shitty country and still it followed me. I read things I didn’t want to read. They would even make fun of my way of illustrating.. “Oh youre so shecozy but still forcing yourself”. Wtf?! I’m confused. Hate was all over the place. It even got to a point that a group of BOYS had my number and add me to this chat on Whatsapp saying the weirdest things. My best friend looked up their telephone number on google and I had no idea who they were.. Shit internet! In Sydney I never heard anyone talk bad about me cause for a fact I knew, I was and I am a good person. Till today, these people are still my friends and always been there for me. From 25 till 28 (which is now) I made a huuuuge difference in my life and I tend to keep it this way. I have new friends, people in my life who aren’t fucked up as these people back in the days and I’m so grateful for having them. Anyway, when I hear someone talk bad about me now, I just laugh it off. I even laugh harder when I tell you the internet bully’s were BOYS.. Like who’s the fuck do you think you are? I’m proud of myself and who I’ve become. No one is ever going to take that away from me!
I have the best boyfriend. We live together. We build together. He is my ride or die. I mind my own fucking business. Since 2015, life finally made a nice turn.. but still I’m watching my back. I still watch what I say out loud. I’m blunt to people who ever spoke shit behind my back. I watch who I mingle with. I’m always on my toes because I feel a lot of people tried to screw me over. Even in the work field..
Right now, I hope the people who made my youth miserable are happy with their lives. And I hope they are mature enough to look back and know they were wrong. We were all young. I hope you have kids or one day you will have kids and teach them the right things to do. After all this, I don’t really care if people like me or not. I had reasons to be a bitch to people when they spoke shit for no reason. I had reasons to yell “FUCK YOU” and “GET A LIFE” when they interfered too much with MINE. Always be nice to others man.. there’s already enough other shit we have to deal with..
What did I learn.
No one knew what was happening in my life or had happened in my life. It all looked amazing right.. I learned a lot from this time in my life. I learned how to treat everyone equally. I learned how to appreciate the real people in my life and how to cut out the negative. I learned that: be careful with what you say cause anything can or will be used against you and I learned that some people bullied because of their own insecurities. NOTE: DONT TRUST ANYONE. NOT EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND. Unless they jumped bridges with you – and believe me, I know who my real friends are. Don’t always think it’s because of you or your fault. Wondering why I always thought I wouldn’t make it till 25? It’s actually easy. Why on earth did I want to live in such a shit environment of people. Suicide has been on my mind a couple of times, even on my brothers mind.. but this life was given to me and besides it all, I love life. It’s just people who ruined it for me. Others made me feel I wasn’t worthy. Others made me think life was better of without me..
If you see someone being bullied, help this person. They often feel they are alone in this because they feel ashamed or no one does a single thing. They often don’t do anything cause they are afraid. When you hear people talk, don’t always believe it. Especially when it’s your friend or maybe even someone you don’t know, stand up for them! We all go the same way and life should be good for us. You wouldn’t want to be bullied yourself, right? Everything that I mentioned is a big form of bullying and it should be stopped! I heard on the radio today, that the suicide rate of teenager has grown in the last year and we should ask ourselves: why and how.. let’s start with us. It comes from us, to make a change!