“I never came to the beach or stood by the ocean. I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand but you brought me here and I’m happy that you did”. I was archiving pictures on my Instagram yesterday. I do that when I reach over a 1000 posts. I check what’s good, what’s still necessary to be there. A nice feed that’s one thing but I also want to motivate others but definitely post what I like. Now, we know that Instagram changed a lot and the algorithm sucks but that doesn’t take away where it brought me.
I saw this picture in my archives. It was me, sitting at the beach. Watching the waves coming at me and wash out over my body. I try to remember how it was. I try to think of how I felt. What did it do to me? I decided to head back to iamcareaux.tumblr.com and read – about myself and reflect..
I changed. I changed so much and I wanted to know how I used to think in the past. I wanted to know what I felt but even after reading it all, I can’t remember the feelings. I was always “on”. The only day I would take “off” was on Sunday. All the other days I would always be working. If I felt stuck, I would book a plane ticket and leave. Leave for months because why not, I could do that. Suddenly I read about a “new dream” and that’s when it hit me.
My new dream, it’s here. This is what I wanted. An apartment of my own. A place to call home. I didn’t have that for years. I understand from everything I’ve read, I’ve learned and everything that was going on back then, is not here anymore. It’s not something I should worry about but I do wonder sometimes, what would it be if I was still in that lifestyle. Feeling I didn’t belong anywhere. Feeling I was lost cause I didn’t know what I wanted with my life. I see myself saying: “Think what I want for my future self” – “Let’s get a new dream and create a path to the future”. It seemed like I wasn’t living in the moment, however I wrote that I did. I wrote I was extremely happy, while having so much anxiety every single day. When I think of that now, I’m just like: “I fooled myself”. I wasn’t happy, at all. I was in a bubble of everything (all amaaaazing things) happening to me. I was lost.
Now I wonder, how do you know you’re happy? Well I kinda know it now. Not completely but kinda. At this very moment I’m content. I’m satisfied. I’m glad I’m still alive today so I can live towards that happiness with everything I have in life right now – on my own speed.
Some might think: “but you did amazing things, you should continue that”. But what if I don’t want to? I continue things from my past on my way. Differently but still doing what I love. Life is not here to be unhappy. Stressed and miserable. Anxious and depressed. Life is here to make the best of it – the way you want your life to look like. Being succesful doesn’t mean you have to be famous on Instagram. How I see success? For me being successful means I’m solid in my goals in life. It means that I can feel happiness and peace of mind about everything.
I wanted to end this story with a lot of inspiration and a lot of motivation but this was a self reflect for myself. To let myself know I’m doing good. God bless your journey! Be proud!