A self reflect

“I never came to the beach or stood by the ocean. I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand but you brought me here and I’m happy that you did”. I was archiving pictures on my Instagram yesterday. I do that when I reach over a 1000 posts. I check what’s good, what’s still necessary to be there. A nice feed that’s one thing but I also want to motivate others but definitely post what I like. Now, we know that Instagram changed a lot and the algorithm sucks but that doesn’t take away where it brought me.

I saw this picture in my archives. It was me, sitting at the beach. Watching the waves coming at me and wash out over my body. I try to remember how it was. I try to think of how I felt. What did it do to me? I decided to head back to iamcareaux.tumblr.com and read – about myself and reflect..

I changed. I changed so much and I wanted to know how I used to think in the past. I wanted to know what I felt but even after reading it all, I can’t remember the feelings. I was always “on”. The only day I would take “off” was on Sunday. All the other days I would always be working. If I felt stuck, I would book a plane ticket and leave. Leave for months because why not, I could do that. Suddenly I read about a “new dream” and that’s when it hit me.

My new dream, it’s here. This is what I wanted. An apartment of my own. A place to call home. I didn’t have that for years. I understand from everything I’ve read, I’ve learned and everything that was going on back then, is not here anymore. It’s not something I should worry about but I do wonder sometimes, what would it be if I was still in that lifestyle. Feeling I didn’t belong anywhere. Feeling I was lost cause I didn’t know what I wanted with my life. I see myself saying: “Think what I want for my future self” – “Let’s get a new dream and create a path to the future”. It seemed like I wasn’t living in the moment, however I wrote that I did. I wrote I was extremely happy, while having so much anxiety every single day. When I think of that now, I’m just like: “I fooled myself”. I wasn’t happy, at all. I was in a bubble of everything (all amaaaazing things) happening to me. I was lost.

Now I wonder, how do you know you’re happy? Well I kinda know it now. Not completely but kinda. At this very moment I’m content. I’m satisfied. I’m glad I’m still alive today so I can live towards that happiness with everything I have in life right now – on my own speed.

Some might think: “but you did amazing things, you should continue that”. But what if I don’t want to? I continue things from my past on my way. Differently but still doing what I love. Life is not here to be unhappy. Stressed and miserable. Anxious and depressed. Life is here to make the best of it – the way you want your life to look like. Being succesful doesn’t mean you have to be famous on Instagram. How I see success? For me being successful means I’m solid in my goals in life. It means that I can feel happiness and peace of mind about everything.

I wanted to end this story with a lot of inspiration and a lot of motivation but this was a self reflect for myself. To let myself know I’m doing good. God bless your journey! Be proud!

Caroll van den Brom

Online Creative and Artist of CAREAUX. My name is Caroll Lynn and my artist name is CAREAUX. I'm a sneaker illustrator turned footwear designer. After a study of four years, I landed at Filling Pieces as their first Womens Footwear Designer. In 2016 and 2017 CAREAUX released her first collaboration with PUMA. Besides working for Filling Pieces and working with PUMA, I also worked on illustrations for Nike, Adidas, Lacoste, FILA, DIESEL. More of my previous work can be found via portfolio I illustrate everything I like myself and sell my favourites. Most of my work is made on canvas but I'm always open for discussions and requests. For collaborations, contact me via the contactform. My instagram is known for her sneakers and feminine style. The content created is focussed on fashion and art combined with traveling - #SHECOZY

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